Saturday, September 10, 2011

Haha Red Green Show

Everyday I contemplate saying this somewhere public, where someone would read it. But I really don't want anyone to read it, or at least I am pretending to think that I don't. Point is, I need to type this and post it into the infinite abyss that is internet. At least now, I can feel just a little better about this.

I miss my best friend. Dearly. I'm not saying that I walk around everyday depressed about it. Far from it, I have way too much good in my life to do that. My kids and wife have a happy father and husband. I have a few other friends who care about me, and do see me once in a while, although I do wish it was more often. But, no one can replace that little space in my heart that was filled by a best friend that I spent 8 long years growing up with. When you know someone from the 6th grade until your early 20's, that is pretty much going through change, after change, after change, after change. And we stuck through it all. The ending confuses me still. We never had some huge fight, never said we hated each other... I could never hate you. I love you still. You were, are and always will be my best friend, regardless of however many years pass when we don't speak. I have tried since that night a total of two times to get back in contact. One time was sending you my wedding invite. A second was a pretty short email just trying to get in touch. Unfortunately, I did not hear back so far. It sucks, but it's life. To be honest, I would had felt better if you just told me upfront you did not wish to speak to me, and if that changed you would take the initiative to get back in touch.

I'm not going to sugar coat this, but I really wish I would hear back from you. Whatever changes and talks we did right before separating ourselves from each other, was not worth losing a very important relationship. You knew things my parents never knew, I spent more time with you than anyone else. We played in countless bands, spent more memorable nights up at 3 am that I can remember, drove a sketchy van to Yuma just to play in front of 15 kids, got stopped by border patrol on the way back, had awful drunken experiences together, realized drinking was the dumbest thing in the world, we cared about hanging with each other more than girls (probably why I almost zero girlfriends in high school), listened to the same music, went to every show together, drove around for hours just because, contemplated eating sonic for thanksgiving dinner rather than be with our dysfunctional families, slept in cars when need be... we were what everyone wanted to have. We were truly best friends. I miss you man. I don't care if you say you've "changed", I have too. I understand all our teenage BS is over with, and all that is left is the memories. I just hope that one day we catch up on these last few years, and never let it happen again.

Friday, April 2, 2010

You Have My Attention

On Tuesday, the 30th I watched something magical and very sad happen. Copeland, a band that I listened to back in my freshmen year of high school (Seven years ago now), played their last show in Phoenix, Arizona. It was the third time seeing them over the years, although I would had made it to a few more if my teenage self was not such a lazy and poor bum with no money and no rides ever. The first time I saw Copeland was sometime I believe in 2004 in May. I saw them at the Mason Jar (A tiny old venue that has since closed) with Emery, Evan Anthem, and A Wilhelm Scream for a total of eight dollars. Which by the way whatever happened to those 8 dollar Phoenix shows that had four bands you actually liked? Gone...

At the time Copeland only had one full length album out which was Beneath Medicine Tree. That album played nearly every night as my 15 year old and 16 year old self sat in his room staying awake until the sun would rise. I had extremely bad anxiety growing up, but Copeland was therapy for me. I have since owned every album and have heard every song they ever recorded. Aaron Marsh has a voice that no one can touch. The music is real. I honestly felt like Copeland would never fade away. Every album was different from the last but was still perfect. I bought tickets the day I found out they were breaking up, months before the actual show. The day of the show I had this knot in my stomach, I was dreading seeing them play. I knew this would be the last time. The last show that I truly felt such a passion. Back in the days of Goodbye Tomorrow, Thirte FS/The Shy, Lydia, and all of the touring national bands that were still young and playing their hearts out, I felt this passion every weekend. Besides seeing Mae and Copeland twice, I have not even been to a show in the last year and a half. The Phoenix music scene has completely vanished, and I knew this show would truly bury the last remaining soul that I knew existed in the music realm I had followed for so long.

I have never been to a show where four different songs got me choked up. Where every song lead to me knowing and singing every word. Every song from the first two albums made me look at Lindsay and feel every word as if they were written by me in order to describe how I feel about her. Aaron held out the last note on the last song "You have my attention" for what seemed to be forever. I was stuck in the moment, and felt like I was frozen. I will forever remember that moment in my heart and mind. I guess Copeland needed to break up, because I know I needed that moment. Not only did it rekindle that spark I used to have when it came to music, but it also reassured me that my decisions I am to be making in life are the right ones. Now that Copeland is moving on, it is time for me to do the same. I will be listening to them probably every other day as I always have, but will be more content knowing that this was the music to my youth. I used to have dreams where all the old bands of my teenage years got back together and that if they somehow did so I would be happy with music again. That will not happen and now I understand I need to move on like all the band members have done for quite some time now.

I hope to take the stage soon, as I have written an EP with a friend that brings back that old sound I heard every weekend at Neckbeard's, The Clubhouse, The Sets, Mason Jar, or various other venues. I also know that it will be closure. There are things in life I have to address, and have to take care of. I have grown up and have many aspirations in life and have so many dreams to fulfill. I want to move and have an oceanview outside our window, learn how to surf, raise a family, restore a Chevy Bel Air (Especially since Lindsay would find it sexy to see me drivin a sweet ass classic car), get my college degree, and (soon) become a proud Marine. Of course, music will always be in there too. Problem with that is the fact I love so many kinds of music it will be hard to even choose one to start playing. Guess a reggae/acoustic/indie/hardcore/rock band will appear someday.

So to end this... goodbye Copeland. You were a guardian to me during those tense and fragile teenage years. Thank you for helping me through the hard times, and making the good times... well... great.

What has love become?
It's not like I used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Train Stations

Do remember the sound of passing cars
Walks along the train tracks
Wishing we were fast enough
To make it to the next station

Our legs are not moving
When I needed them to walk us home
Like a landlocked ship without a compass
We need out of this fucking city

Give us nature, give us reality
Forcefeeding suburban life like religion
This adobe home in a dying world
I want to see blue skies
Have harbor lights for guides
We are all too lifeless to see
Isolation is a fraud
You can't escape those summer nights
No breeze to feel the least bit free from the desert chokehold

No freedom
No fight
No laughter
No cry

Just a dust storm to remind us
This town is gonna burn

In Zen, the most important thing to learn is that life is that reality is here, right this second. Your life is beautiful. Every waking moment will never happen ever again, so each moment is precious and beautiful. There is no past and no future, just right now. Find the beauty in everything you do. I find beauty in all things I experience. Love, anger, stress, work, rain storms, writing angry songs, writing love songs, writing songs about people you once thought would always be around, realizations, fatherhood, (almost) marriage... These are all beautiful things I experience in life. I tend to write songs that lament, that reflect on broken friendships, wishing for the coast and the ocean breeze... But these are releases. And to release is to find truth and freedom within yourself. I need some hardcore band members to show up on my door step so I can bring this all to life. One day right?

Off to watch the rest of Funny People, and then probably Lost with Lindsay. I feel accomplished today because we finally learned how to lay down and cuddle on the couch. Mind you, we have that cheap $200 ikea couch that can hardly SEAT two people at once, it is basically a love seat couch. Today we finally figured it out and drifted in and out of daydreaming and sleep, while outside the rain had given way to hints of sunshine and a breeze that only Oceanside typically sees. Birds were singing and kids were playing behind the complex at the elementary school. It was an amazing half hour. The small things in life usually become the biggest highlights at the end of a day.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Seven random things about me

Well, thanks to a certain someone I now have to think of seven random things about me. Seeing as I do not feel that I am a random person and everything about me I feel is normal... this will be sort of tough. But here goes,

1. I hate almost all authority and authority figure. "Don't tell me what I can and can't do!

2. I am studying criminal justice and want to be an attorney or a K-9 Police Officer or a Sheriff... Yes irony is hilarious.

3. I have a very serious problem with speaking my mind. Working on it though. This is the reason I started writing.

4. I change my hairstyle as much as a woman does.

5. I refused to claim straight edge because of the fact that I had drank alcohol and other things in the past. After realizing most who claim edge have gone down my same path, I felt much better and was ok with it. I took me over two years of sobreity to admit to it.

6. I have never been on an airplane.

7. Around 3-4 years ago I played in a joke band that consisted of techno beats, super loud and usually out of tune guitar, and shouting/screaming vocals. I blame myself for bands such as brokencyde because of doing this.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Phoenix/Sky Meets Sea


Lost my friends to the Phoenix skyline
Hearts were beating to the pace of broken cars in the desert sun
I couldn't tell if these were real tears
Or just sweat in my eyes
Nothing grows in the dirt
No breeze to ease the misery that this city gives like a government hand out
No shade from the lies

You say you've changed
But you just forgot who you are
And what matters most
You left what you loved
Like friendship could melt in the summer's grip

You left yourself behind
While I spilled blood over a coffee shop goodbye
So I will see one more polluted sunset and wave
As the Phoenix skyline turns into a cemetery of lights

Sky meets Sea

Son, this is your chance
I've left it all on the line
Took chances that others would be too scared to take
Your eyes show different shades of color and love
Ones I could never see before

I was a lonely and grey sky
But you were the sea
Whose waves carried the clouds away
My son, is shining bright

Your name is built on self reliance
So stand tall for us all to see
This world is beautiful
For you made it this way
And if you could say
"Let every cloud be pushed away.
Sincerely, the Sea."

I'd never find...
Another truth like yours.

True stories.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Form is Emptiness. Emptiness is Form.

Let us open up the sky
Let us make it to sea
In my dreams I'm only seeing waves
This drive along the coastline
Hints of sun and ocean breeze
I've never been graced with Form
But Emptiness found on the shore is all the same
We will make this our home
Looking through a broken hotel window held open by bricks
Just the faintest glimpse of the Pacific
Is enough to make us stay
The sound of seaside trains
All is well at the end of a day

I am in need of roadtrips.
Seriously, driving is a hobby of mine. I can not think of the last time Lindsay willingly drove when we both went out, because it is just known that I want to drive. I actually enjoy the drive to Prescott, Oceanside, or wherever we go ALMOST as much as actually being in the towns. The open road is my open sea. I have never sailed, and probably would get deathly sick (To this day if I am not driving I get very carsick. As a child I literally threw up everyday when my mom would drive my dad to work). So for the time being until I gather courage, as well as funds to go on a cruise or just sail for the heck of it, my car is my ship and the road is the endless sea, taking me to wherever I desire.

First time Emerson ever went to the ocean. Don't know why, but I have always loved this picture. I honestly don't remember how Emerson was once that tiny and bald.

Today, at work, I was researching on homes (I work for an HOA law firm), and while doing so my old house in the older area of Ahwatukee came up. That little google streetview showed up and there it was, my old house, just the way it was back then. My grandmother bought it for my mom after she had left my dad, and we had lived at random friend's small apartments, and also a hotel. It was 1998, I was eleven years old. I lived in that house until May of 2007, basically part of elementary, middle school, and high school. The memories I have of that house just by seeing one picture hit me so hard it actually kind of scared me. From the looks of it, my grandmother never even sold the house. If I had the means, I would find a way to contact her and rent it out in a heartbeat. If only right? It's funny how a structure made out of wood, glass, drywall, steel, and other hardware... can make you feel so much. It's just a cookie cutter house in a neighborhood built 25 years ago. But it was the first actual home I had ever lived in. I miss it terribly.

Lindsay and I just watched the movie Doubt, and wow I have to say that I will never understand movie critics. Blah blah blah the acting the acting oh the suspense. Um yeah, it was boring, nothing happened, you learn nothing. Lame! Oh well, back to our Lost. We decided to start from the beginning again. Seriously, we got through the first season during Lindsay's summer break in less than a week. That is 25 hour long episodes... in less than a week. By the way, Doctor Jack Shepard is actually me.

Monday, January 4, 2010

There is a song inside this body
It puddles around the heart and mind
It isn't beautiful, but it tells of truth
Sincere and serene
Each day brings a new line, if only I could remember
But clouds will be clouds, and pass on by

So I suppose I should introduce myself in this first little post of mine. After months and months of encouraging me to get a blog and start writing, Lindsay has won the battle and I am now officially blogging my life, stories, events, ideas, perspectives, likes, dislikes, songs, lyrics, poems, Haiku's, rants, blah, etc.

I am a 21 (almost 22) year old living in the dry desert heat we call Ahwatukee (Phoenix's suburbia "heaven"). In all honesty, it aint for me. Never has and never will be. I was born in Torrance, California, basically the Los Angeles coast town. The beach, the ocean, have always been my true home. If I was able to, Oceanside would be the place where I would currently be typing this as Lindsay works in her studio, Emerson sleeps peacefully, and our kitten runs around and attempts to climb the Christmas tree I have been too lazy to take down so far.

But for now I am living in Phoenix, with my fiance, love of my life... true SOULMATE, Lindsay Marie. We met twice, most notably the second time on the 4th of July at a mutual friends house. We are not your typical young couple, we have a beautiful son named Emerson Jude, whose shaggy blonde surflike hair is already attracting girls to him (No, seriously, I am in trouble, he is a stud). I work full time at a law firm as an aspiring paralegal (currently in the assistant stage). I study criminal justice at University of Phoenix. The most notable hobbies of mine are guitar (odd story, my first guitar was to be delivered on 9/11/01. Obviously, it was here a few days later.), getting tattoos, classic cars, anything surf or beach, skateboarding (I quit a while ago, really wanna start again.), and music in general. If I began to list my favorite bands or styles, it would be an essay so I wont really go into that too much. I currently am playing guitar in a band with two friends from a previous Circa Survive type band. Our style is along the lines of Jimmy Eat World (Clarity era), Brand New, Goodbye Tomorrow, Sunny Day Real Estate, old school 90s emo, etc. It's going ok I suppose, me and Steve have done previous projects before that ended up in me ending my part in it. I guess I just haven't found my true self in music. The stage is really all I care about, and the current progress is killing me because it's been since November 30, 2007 since I have played a show. It. Sucks. Seriously.

Musically, I have really been finding out what I have wanted to do lately. I have been reading up on alternative Zen Buddhism books such as Saltwater Buddha and Hardcore Zen lately and listening to immense amounts of melodic hardcore bands such as Sinking Ships, Comeback Kid (loved them for 5 years now actually), Verse, and Champion. I realized that, I really need to start doing vocals for a hardcore band. Not some tough guy thing, something that I can really sit down and write about my 21 years of life. Trust me, I have seen and experienced things you wouldn't believe. I will definetely touch base with MOST of those subjects in the upcoming posts. Basically, I love writing (Thank God Lindsay got me back into this) and I am a lunatic onstage. I believe there is one youtube video of me playing (If you search Brailen last show or something like that) and I ended up giving my ex best friend a concussion. Unfortunately that's all my proof of my on stage antics and honestly that was a very, very mellow me (last show, I didn't care). I have broken many guitars, amps, straps, walls, etc. and that's with being constrained by a guitar. Me with just a microphone.... now that is my zen. Chaotic, but still, my ultimate ZEN.

I have a lot more to write, but this is long and honestly I don't know how many will read it, but that is ok because this is definetly a good way for me to keep my writing in an actual organized website that I can never lose and forget about.

I'm sure Lindsay needs to go on now and do her thing as well, haha we are a blogging (almost) married couple. This is what happens when you are straight edge (Yeah, I finally admitted it after years of avoiding the title) in a town where all your old friends want to drink, do drugs, or end up changing too much for you to recognize anymore, this is our escape. She does a better job at this than I do though.

So yeah, this is the beginning of my blogging life. Hopefully I didn't bore ya too much. If I did, I apologize, if not, then hello and hope we become good friends :)